Mother's day maths problems

Bet you can't solve these ones.

Hello Friends!

Happy Mother’s Day in Australia, the U.S. and anywhere that is currently celebrating today. Shout out to all the mums, step-mums, single mums, and grandmas on this day. Big love to those who have less-than-perfect relationships with their mums (me included) or have lost their mums.

And respect, of course, to the biggest of all muthas: Mother Earth. Still barely putting up with our shit after all these years.

First, a little bit of exciting news….

Some of you may know I started writing and submitting satire and short humour over the past year or so, with moderate success.

Well, after many rejections, I’m thrilled to say I’ve had my first piece published in McSweeney’s (kind of a big deal, guys). Even sweeter, I wrote it with my friend and fellow funny Substacker, Lindsey Smith.

The premise is a series of maths problems that demonstrate the hilariously impossible expectations placed on mums. This is especially funny because maths was my worst subject at school, but luckily, I have plenty of experience in making shit up as a mum.

Here’s a little except and you can read the whole thing on the McSweeney’s site.

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Math Problems for Moms

By Sara White and Lindsey Smith

One of your children must be at soccer practice at 4 p.m.; the other has their piano lesson at 4:30 p.m.; and you have a mammogram booked for 4:45 p.m. Will you make it back to pick up your kids from their respective lessons before 5:30 p.m.?

ANSWER: Yes, because you had to take an urgent Zoom call from your boss about the teriyaki chicken you left in the office fridge three weeks ago. You’ve now missed your appointment, but don’t worry, it will only take two years to book another one.

Read the whole thing at McSweeney’s

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In other news, it’s been a year since I blew the case of the Mother’s Day stall wide open at my kids’ school. I’m pleased to say that my campaign to get more dads involved this year resulted in a 200% increase — from one to three (see, my maths is pretty good, actually). This is what we call progress, people.

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A few good reads:

Aside from my shameless self-promotion above, here are some pieces I enjoyed recently from other writers that might cheer you on this Sunday.

Firstly, thank god for Shelly Mazzanoble, who has finally shone the spotlight on the debilitating condition, Ornamental Eye Syndrome. If someone in your home can’t see things that are right in front of their f*cking face, please ask them to seek treatment ASAP.

Secondly, I’m so happy to have Lindsey Smith back here on Substack after a rather traumatic hiatus, which she shares here in her piece about what happens when a humour writer gets depressed.

I’m also fully committed to Lewis Holmes’ journey from redundancy back into employment, especially regarding the spell he bought from an Etsy witch. I wait in anticipation to see what magic happens next!

Lastly, I’m LOL-ing just about everything Jack Cullen writes, but I particularly enjoyed some of the scathingly acidic lines in his take on this year’s Met Gala.

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Finally, I wanted to say thanks for supporting this tired mutha. Whether you’ve been here for a while (I see you OGs!), have recently started poking around in my box of shit or have taken our relationship to the next level with a paid subscription, I simply love writing for you, reading your comments and generally hanging out together.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Sara,

xoxo