Confused? INFURIATED? You may be a victim of Kid Logic

You can’t make sense of it. You can’t argue with it. Just accept it.

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You’ve spent years making sense of the world and yourself — finding meaning, using rational thinking and applying logic to almost every situation you encounter. By this stage in your life, you know the best way to cut an apple, brush your teeth and skin a cat (please don’t do this).

So when you have kids, and you see them approaching these situations (not the cat-skinning, god-willing) with what can only be described as utter insanity, you wonder what the actual fuck is going on.

As a parent, you know it’s your role to gently (or aggressively when there is imminent danger) explain the logical way to do things to your children.

“Hey, sweetheart, it would be a lot easier if you waited till I’m off this important call before asking me what the biggest burger in the history of the world is. Then I can give you my full attention while we explore this important question together.”

Or

“Hey buddy, it will be easier to find your shoes for school tomorrow if you put them on the shoe rack I purchased for this exact reason instead of flinging them off your feet into the garden where the dog might find and chew them.”

Or

“Hey, cherub, it’s best to look where you’re going when riding a scooter near the road. Turning your head in the opposite direction of travel while talking and standing on one leg could result in an injury.”

You use your most reasonable voice to explain these logical things (the first time — there’s a different voice for the 245th time), and you expect your kid to look at you and be like, “Oh, that makes total sense. Thanks for telling me. Now I can stop it doing that way, and my life will improve.”

But guess what? They don’t wanna fucken hear it. They use Kid Logic. Black is white, up is down and chocolate ice cream is a nutritious breakfast.

If you find yourself wandering in a confused daze, staring out of windows into the middle distance, trying to get the math to math, but it simply won’t — you may be a victim of Kid Logic.

Revealed: The 10 irrefutable and infuriating tenets of Kid Logic

Hold onto your SSRIs, people. I have unearthed the 10 tenets of Kid Logic that every kid knows, and every parent needs to know.

There are no tips for dealing with them because fucked if I know. If I’d figured that out, I’d be raking in the dough as a parenting expert instead of writing this Substack for free.

1. When you need to speed up, it’s best to slow down

When you have to be somewhere at a certain time, like school, Kid Logic says this is 100% the time to slow down and get distracted. There is no point in rushing, even if your mum or dad explicitly tells you to hurry up.

Just take your time. Turn on the TV. Stare into the bathroom mirror, making strange faces and talking to yourself, create the lyrics for a cool new song about your butt or find a toy you haven’t played with in three years and show a sudden interest in it. It’s simple maths.

2. When you need to slow down, it’s best to speed up

Sometimes, your parents will take you to places like the supermarket, the library or the bank. These are all places where parents need time to think and make important choices. They want you to stay close and let them concentrate.

Therefore, Kid Logic states that this is the best place to run. Just charge around like a lunatic. Don’t worry if you knock something or someone over. The faster you can run up and down every aisle in the supermarket, the more fun you’ll have. But remember, when it’s time to get back in the car, you should go slow and take your time. It just makes sense.

3. Never, EVER eat at allotted meal times

It’s better to skip lunch or dinner by just pushing your food around the plate. Wait for ten minutes after the meal has been cleared away, and then announce that you’re hungry. This will infuriate your parents, who will try to give you back the original meal. Just say no. It’s important not to ingest any nutrients or protein that might fill you up. Eating 27 dry crackers that won’t even touch the sides is better. You can’t fight common sense.

4. The best time to start an argument with a sibling is when your your parents are on the phone

If you’re thinking of starting a biff with your brother or sister, wait until your parents are on the phone (especially when they’ve been on hold for 45 minutes and have finally got through to a human).

This is your moment. Just bowl in and start shouting loudly about whose fault it was. They will try to shush you (RUDE!) but don’t let this deter you. Keep going until they eventually have to end their conversation. Works every time.

5. The best way to pick up a cup full of liquid is with your mouth (no hands!)

This goes without saying, but we’ll say it anyway: The absolute best way to pick up a cup full of liquid is not with your hands. It’s with your mouth. Just lean over the table, get your hair in your food, and then bite down on the rim of the cup. Bring the cup up until the liquid pours into your mouth.

Some might spill on the table, your clothes or the floor. Don’t worry. This is all part of the fun! If you have siblings, teach them to do this cool trick, too. Soon, dinner time will be much more fun (and wet!).

6. The best time to ask your parents a really bizarre or profound question is when they look stressed.

You’ve been wondering about something important, like who the tallest person in the world is or what the world record is for eating chicken nuggets. It’s your Roman Empire — you can’t stop thinking about it. Despite what your mum would lead you to believe, the best time to spring these types of questions on her is actually when she’s running late (because of you).

As soon as you see her rushing around the house looking for her purse or keys, yelling at everyone to hurry up, tripping over on stray shoes and cursing at the pile of dishes on the sink, THIS is your moment. Ask away! Here are some possible questions if you need inspiration.

“Mum, will I die?”

“Mum, do I have to keep going to school?”

“Mum, who did the longest fart in the world ever?”

“Mum, why do we have legs?”

“Mum, did the first person in the world have hair?”

7. It’s okay to go swimming, play sports and see your friends when you’re sick, but you shouldn’t go to school

Illness shouldn’t curtail your leisure or social time, but you should NEVER go to school if you feel slightly under the weather. Learning while you have a sniffle is tantamount to child abuse.

Of course, your parents will try to take your temperature (which will be normal) and remind you that you literally spent all day running around with your friends playing sports, but Kid Logic clearly states that all those activities are TOTALLY FINE AND SAFE when sick. Whereas school is VERY, VERY DANGEROUS. STAY HOME.

8. The only way to eat an apple is sliced into pieces by someone other than you

Don’t fall into the trap of grabbing an apple from the fruit bowl and biting into it. BIG MISTAKE. Instead, wait until your parents are relaxing, then go and ask them to cut you up an apple.

They will insist that you get the apple and eat it whole. Just ignore this. Keep relentlessly asking them to cut you up an apple until they give in. This works especially well in the evenings when your parents are really tired and don’t have the energy to fight you any longer.

If they try to teach you to cut your own apples, just hold the knife in one hand and wave it around wildly, bringing it down on the apple at random angles, nearly chopping off the fingers of your other hand. That will teach them an important lesson about trying to encourage your independence.

9. The best way to brush your teeth is by spitting toothpaste all over the mirror

It’s the end of the day, and your parents are hanging by a thin thread. They need you to get ready for bed and give them some quiet time. Now is your chance to decimate the bathroom as your final parting gift. The process is simple:

1. Squeeze out 300% more toothpaste than you need onto your brush. Some will ooze over the sides into the basin or on the floor. Don’t worry, this is normal.

2. If you still have too much paste on your brush, just turn the tap on full blast and spray the excess off. This might remove all your paste. If this happens, go back to step one.

3. Ram the toothbrush in your mouth for like 10 seconds without making contact with any of your teeth, then spit the toothpaste all over the mirror.

4. To finish, fling your toothbrush over your shoulder on the way out of the bathroom and let it hit the wall, then land on the floor in a puddle of your frothy dribble.

Go to bed knowing you’ve brushed your teeth in 100% most effective and logical way.

10. When you’re tired, it’s best to stay awake

Now for the cardinal tenet of Kid Logic that must not be broken under any circumstances.

You might have noticed that when other animals, like puppies and kittens are tired, they simply curl up peacefully and go to sleep. Well, Kid Logic says differently. When you’ve had a big day, the best thing to do is force yourself to stay awake. Some possible activities to consider when you’re fighting sleep are:

• Annoying your sibling(s) who are trying to sleep

• Taking out all your toys and creating a tripping hazard on the floor

• Going to the bathroom and unravelling all the toilet paper onto the floor

• Kicking the wall or the bottom of the bunk bed mattress above you

• Yelling out “Muuuuum, Daaaaad, I’m thirsty”

• Crying hysterically and yelling, “I’M NOT TIRED!”

So there you have it, folks. Forget everything you thought you knew. Because what you thought you knew is now wrong, and everything that makes no sense from a practical point of view is right. You can try to fight it. Many have. God rest their souls. They fought a good fight, but their opponents had something they no longer possessed.

ENERGY.

Godspeed and good luck.

Have you been a victim of Kid Logic? I wanna hear all about it in the comments please!

Sara xo

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Thanks for opening my big box of shit this week! I’ve come to love the comments section of my posts. I find funny, intelligent and relatable people who are just out there dealing with their own boxes of shit. I’d love to hear about your experiences of Kid Logic. My kids aren’t teenagers yet and I fear that will bring a whole new brand of ‘Teen Logic’. What do your kids do that makes you go….huh?